Think You Can't Get a Mortgage with No Income? Think Again!

The primary season has brought us a lot of promises from the candidates, but there are a few we're particularly excited about, like a mandatory program that would allow everyone to buy a home, with no income whatsoever.

Enacted during President Barack Obama's first term, HARP has helped current homeowners remain in their homes, even when they were struggling to cover the mortgage. This new plan, put forth by Senator Bernie Sanders, who has described himself as a socialist, takes affordable housing even further and calls for government "loans" to everyone. Loans in quotes because, since many borrowers will have no income, these loans will never be repaid. Funding for the program is expected to come from extra taxes on luxury items, a list of which will be determined before the bill is put to a vote. 

"I hear that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian spent nearly one million dollars on gold-plated toilets for their home. This is not something anyone needs, and I propose a sales tax of 75 to 80 percent on such items. The percentage would be less, of course, on a silver-plated toilet, since that's not quite as luxurious," Senator Sanders explained, when asked for an example of the tax increases.*"

Republican front runner Donald Trump, when informed of the plan, offered an alternate solution.

"I will personally build many huge buildings for people without homes. And they can pay for them, because America will be great again and, as you know, I am a great business guy, so I want them to have somewhere to live, but I cannot give up my personal wealth. Melania and I have a few of these gold-plated toilets and they tremendous. I mean, not actually tremendous, because you've seen Melania, and she's very thin, like a woman should be, but with curves. She's gorgeous. But that's not what this is about. Making America great again is, most definitely, what I'll be doing here. I will also require that all parents give their children forgivable loans in the amount of one million, or five thousand, dollars or whatever a house costs these days. I love the poor and the uneducated. They are some of my greatest supporters and I will make sure they have a place to live, somewhere, in some manner. Except Lyin' Ted Cruz. He should live nowhere and we should build a wall to keep him out, and he will pay for that wall. I alone can do this.**"

Hillary Clinton, currently ahead of Sanders in the polls, had nothing to say about the program, already being called FHFA, or Free Homes for All.

"FHF...what? And that is? Oh, um okay. Just let me know how that turns out," was her only remark when asked by a New York Times reporter if she supported such a plan. She turned away with a weary smirk to field a question about her email account, the one she uses strictly for online shopping, hillsluvspants@gmail.com***.

If Senator Sanders manages to implement the FHFA initiative, the program could cost the government billions of dollars. Like, maybe even a gajillion. In addition to provisions for housing for everyone, the program would require that each qualifying United States citizen, which would be all of them, be granted at least 1,000 square feet of personal space. This has been well-received by parents everywhere, who will no longer have to separate the kids when they fight. FHFA requires at least one toilet, a basic model, for every two household members, and a minimum of one tub with jets for each household larger than four people. Senator Sanders also promised a chicken in every pot. One thing is for sure, if FHFA is implemented, it will redefine the term "no-cost mortgage." Because mortgage payments, no matter what the amount of the loan, will all be the same, zero dollars and zero cents.

Voters' reactions to FHFA have been mixed, with many worrying that the government couldn't withstand the expenditure, and others worrying that they would be forced to add a second child, or invite their mother-in-law to live with them, to get the tub with jets. At a recent Trump rally, held at 10 am, when many people are at work, many voters expressed the opinion that Trump would buy them all houses with his vast wealth, so this program would be unnecessary.

So...

Happy April Fool's Day!

* Bernie Sanders never said this.

** Donald Trump never said any of this. Well, maybe some of it. But that quote is entirely fabricated.

*** No reporter ever asked Clinton about the FHFA and she certainly didn't respond to a question that was never asked.